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Boney Fuller 2015 BYU Opponent Preview

BYU’s most famous, most hilarious, and oldest surviving alumnus, Boney Fuller (@boneyfuller) gives Loyal Cougars an exclusive look ahead to the teams that fill BYU’s 2015 football schedule. If you haven’t seen his hilarious opponent takes leading up to each game, be sure to check out his Twitter timeline and give him a follow.

It’s here. Football season is finally upon us. We say goodbye to blistering summer days and  look eagerly ahead to an autumn full of possibilities. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of pads popping, QBs barking signals, and the whistle of a tight spiral. And if you’re extra lucky, you might even hear Rick Majerus’s ghost ordering another pizza to the SLC hotel bathroom he is doomed to haunt for eternity.

We approach this magical time of year that marks the transition away from air conditioned theaters (where fat Americans squander their summers watching Michael Bay movies) and into our nation’s air conditioned man caves (where fat Americans waste their falls eating nacho cheese and shattering interpersonal relationships). To aid in this process, here are some “football team/movie star” comparisons to allow your mind to make the change from Hollywood blockbusters to skull-cracking with the least amount of effort possible, which we all know is the best way to do anything.

University of Nebraska is Kim Basinger

Located in glitzy Lincoln, Nebraska, the Cornhuskers can only be compared to Hollywood legend Kim Basinger. Hot during the mid 90s, and occasionally popping up since then, Kim Basinger is a name known by all movie fans. Just like NU, Kim hit her peak in 1997, and has been chasing that high ever since. Resting on one’s laurels seems to be a common thread here. The Huskers are hoping for an L.A.Confidential performance this year, but are more likely going to get another The Sentinel or, heaven forbid, another nude cameo in an Eminem movie.

Boise State University is Ke$ha

Haven’t showered in a week, speak passable English, and brush their teeth fortnightly and with Night Train. Is this your average BSU fan or pop superstar Ke$ha? Trick question! BSU is Ke$ha. Whether it’s having a blue football field or spelling your name with the dollar sign, when a gimmick works, it works. People aren’t just impressed at the success, but, frankly, that a person of this caliber actually did it all by themselves. And each day the success continues, everyone, friend and foe alike, are surprised that they still haven’t flamed out quite yet. Don’t get too close to the sun, sweetheart! The B$U bandwagon is thinking “We R Who We R,” but “Blow” is more likely. And just like the pop icon, most Bronco fans will probably spend their last days working in a Golden Corral until an untimely death in a bath salts deal gone sour.

UCLA is Kylie Jenner

From the fancy script “UCLA” on their helmets to the powder blue and gold, there’s no denying that UCLA has the style element of football down pat. The Bruins should have everything going for them; they’re nestled in a recruiting hotbed, they have seemingly endless money and attention, and who wouldn’t want to go to school in Westwood? And that’s not even touching UCLA’s stellar academics (okay, I guess the analogy isn’t perfect). But every year, despite being set up for stardom and success, UCLA falls into the Kylie Jenner trap, essentially boiling down to being nothing but a B-list celebrity with a lot of money. UCLA is the football equivalent of the Instagram superstar- everyone’s looking, but nobody cares. And just like Kylie, UCLA is constantly overshadowed by a behemoth older sibling that everyone hates but, for some reason, no one can seem to stop. And no, I’m not talking about Khloe because I don’t mean “behemoth” literally, here.

Michigan is a Fallen Star

While it has been a frustrating couple of years for BYU, just look at what has happened to Michigan. The Wolverines’ rival not only blows up but is winning national championships. Over the last 7 years, the storied program has gone a ghastly 2-12 against Ohio State and Michigan State. Its last conference championship was in 2004. Is there a celebrity who was once as bright of a star as the Wolverines who now you can look at and only thank the heavens above that you don’t have it as bad as they do? Of course there is! The venerable Britney Spears. A star once revered is now pitied as she wallows away and ruins a legacy. Michigan’s last National Championship was two years before “Hit me Baby, One More Time” was released. Will Jim Harbaugh be Kevin Federline or Justin Timberlake? Only time will tell. Meanwhile, expect Michigan fans to collectively shave their heads on September 26 after Taysom Hill gives the defense a nervous breakdown.

UCONN is the Actor from the Wizard of Oz that Hung Himself on Set

The Wizard of Oz is a classic of American cinema. And if we were talking UCONN basketball then Judy Garland would probably be a great choice here. But we aren’t talking about UCONN basketball. UConn football has like 4 wins ever, probably. It’s impossible to know for sure. That number might be high. It’s just that every time I google “UConn,” I get distracted and end up watching Kemba Walker highlights just to see the guy that Jimmer Fredette was definitely better than. If UConn basketball is Judy Garland in Oz, that makes UConn football the poor schlub that hung himself in the Tin Man’s forest. Chances are, neither get any attention outside of the occasional person googling them to see if they are “actually really a thing.”

ECU is Daniel Baldwin

Trivia: Are there more Baldwin brothers or FBS schools in North Carolina? Answer: Who cares! The important thing here is that Daniel Baldwin and East Carolina are the last ones that spring to mind about both. The universe’s comprehensive knowledge of ECU and Daniel Baldwin is contained on each’s respective Wikipedia page, which, depressingly, were penned by wiki authors “ECUPrez” and “DannyRealActor.” And surprisingly, both the school and the actor auditioned for a spot on Celebrity Big Brother this year, though in the end, Daniel got the nod. An obviously pained ECU stated that “Daniel is a good guy, and will do a great job representing the USA in this prestigious event, and I’ll be rooting for him the whole way.” Another similarity is that Daniel Baldwin beat all the hipsters to the punch in naming a kid Atticus back in the 90s and ECU is the alma mater of Sandra Bullock.

Cinci is Jenna Fischer

You know Jenna Fischer, right? Take a minute to see if you can remember a character she played. … Nope, you are actually picturing Isla Fisher from Wedding Crashers. For the five people that said “Pam from The Office” give yourself a piece of Coach John Pease’s favorite hardtack. Like Cincinnati football, you just kind of forget that Jenna Fischer exists until you see her. You hope she’s doing okay, but aren’t finding the remote to see whatever it is she’s starring in these days. Regardless, Gunnar Kiel is looking to take the step from Roy to Jim this season and hopes to drag Pam along with him to the promised land.

Wagner is Julie Ann Doan

I’m not even wasting my time. Look it up.

SJSU is Roberto Benigni

This is actually more about Ed Norton than Benigni, but bear with me. In 1999, Edward Norton lost the Oscar for best actor to Roberto Benigni. Can you even believe that? No lie, it actually happened. You’ve probably suppressed this memory, but unfortunately, SJSU once defeated BYU in an organized football competition. “How can that be?” you might, with clenched fists, shout angrily at the heavens. Well, like Benigni, SJSU put together a good performance, the stars aligned, and they actually pulled it off. Crazy to think that this could happen in a post 9/11 world, but it did. It totally did. Unfortunately for the Spartans, life can’t always be beautiful and now they’re looking a lot more like The Tiger and the Snow.

Missouri is Joey Bishop

Joey Bishop was a real star. Not because he was really good or anything, but because of the crowd he ran with. You see, Joey was a member of the once venerable “Rat Pack.” Back when Mizzou was actually good at football, Joey was sashaying his way into young girls’ hearts based almost solely on the fact that he was friends with actual stars like Sinatra, Davis Jr., and Martin. Just by being friends with the cool kids in the SEC, Mizzou is great by association. Can you name three Joey Bishop solo movies? Of course you can’t! But I bet you can name a bunch of Rat Pack hits. How many big SEC games can you name over the past 10 years until you get to one that Mizzou won? Side note: Do you think Lilburn Boggs can catch SEC games in hell?

Fresno State is Late-Career Nicolas Cage

Once a perennial darling of mid-major football, Pat Hill and Fresno State earned national respect by publicly declaring they’d play “anybody, anytime, anywhere.” They took scheduling chances and people respected that. And it paid off. They were basically the “USU basketball” of the football world, except exactly opposite in every imaginable way. Fresno’s games were always exciting. Who can forget that magical 2001 season with David Carr at the helm? Like Fresno, young Nic Cage also took some chances and it usually paid off. Who can forget his tour de force performance in Leaving Las Vegas? Unfortunately for both late-career Cage and Fresno, the luster has all but faded. And, as it turns out for both, being selective might have been an undervalued virtue all along. Which is why Pat Hill now calls Fresno State games on AM radio and Nicolas Cage currently stars in a roast-beef-themed one man show behind the Arby’s in Modesto, California.

USU is Rebel Wilson

Five years ago, if you would have mentioned Rebel Wilson in casual conversation, more than likely people would assume you were talking about Bruce and Demi’s girl. But since that time, Rebel has seen enough success that a few people might know that Rebel and Rumer are, in fact, two different people. (Hint: the one whose jaw rival’s Coach Tujague’s is Rumer).  She’s had a couple of moments over the past couple of years, and for the most part America is right there at her side. She’s just a non-stereotypical starlet making the most of what God gave her. The other starlets of the world are happy to gather around and root for her to do well, partly because they never have to worry about her becoming the next Bond girl. We obviously like Rebel more than that Travis-Wilson-look-a-like Rumer Willis. So shout “MOO” or “Go get ‘em Aggies” or whatever it is you like to yell. And go get ‘em Rebel! We’re sure rootin’ for you.

There you have it. Everything you need to know about the teams on this year’s schedule . We’re looking forward to another great season of BYU football (Scarlett Johansson, in case you were wondering) and, much like you, we’ll be spending the next thirteen weeks sacrificing chickens to a variety of different deities in hopes that one of them will hold Taysom’s knees together through December. In the meantime, send your questions and comments to boneyfuller@gmail.com or tweet at @boneyfuller. Until next time!

7 Comments

  1. Duck

    September 2, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Too, too funny. Hilarious stuff.

  2. Charlie Sheen

    September 2, 2015 at 10:10 am

    @BoneyFuller is a true American hero.

  3. Neo

    September 2, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Love it. Well done!

  4. BigCougar

    September 2, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    okay, that’s 7 minutes of my life I’ll never have back.

  5. Darren

    September 3, 2015 at 10:45 am

    lame … not funny

    • Rebel Wilson

      September 3, 2015 at 2:32 pm

      Rebel Wilson fan ^^^

  6. Terrance LeBaron

    September 3, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    HAHAHA. THIS WAS SO GREAT. THE UCONN AND FRESNO ONES ESPECIALLY.